Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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