I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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