I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
They have beer where we have blood.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
