the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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