i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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