all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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