You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
