I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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