i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
