i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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