I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
