Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
