so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
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