How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
