Don't make out with my wife yet
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
