i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
