dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
