I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
