Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
