Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
