ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
