Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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