big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
