this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
