Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
