she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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