What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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