i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
