I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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