I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
