I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
