He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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