: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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