Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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