I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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