I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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