8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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