i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
