i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
