Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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