WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
