that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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