it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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