The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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