The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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