worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
