Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
