Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
