Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
