She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
