i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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