dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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