can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
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Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
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I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize