Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
