i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
