i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
