Someone shit on the floor
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
