i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
