a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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