i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
