I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
