So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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