Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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