watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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