John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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